OT - new hobbies

[St Bruno]

I've taken up the discus and the violin.
Throwing the fiddle is easy but I can't get a note out of the discus.

[matelot22]

First lockdown I started learning Italian, and, since I wasn't coming home from work knackered, started doing some phys again for the first time since I left the navy. I lost a stone and a half in 6 weeks, then I got bored and put it all back on again and wrapped my hand with the Italian......

[Old Geezer]

I am training for the armchair watching TV and Box Sets marathon.  Going well so far.

Also, how many games of Scrabble I can lose to the wife in a row.

[Covkid48]

we tried scrabble but gave up when my wife, myself and my 11 year old got thrashed by my smartarse 9 year old.

[BG]

I recently qualified as PCSO.. last night was very busy being bonfire night..

I caught 2 kids, 1 stealing a battery and the other a firework..

..

.

I charged one and let the other off..

Tcher boom tschh

[Old Geezer]

You have let me loose, BG!

Why do puffins carry fish in their beaks?

[BG]

{here we go}

"Why do puffins carry fish in their beaks"

[Neils]

Cause they are hungry.

[BG]

A large bear walks into a pub.. tired and looking for the elixir of life..

He slumps over the bar and wipes his brow.

The barman sensing an urgent need.. noticing the ever increasing grip on the bar...

"What will it be sir?"

The bear gathers and steadies himself on the bar with all his might..

In a gruff tone.. looking towards the optics


".. a gin!!".. hesitating.. coughing

 .. deep breath ".. and tonic"



"Of course sir.. but what's with the long paws"

[coddy]

Or alternatively


A crab walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a pint please, but if I'm  not satisfied with it, I'd like to be compensated with ten bottles of  champagne." The bartender says, "Why the big clause?

[BG]

"I recently confessed to a friend that my wife had stopped washing months ago and her nose had fallen off"

.. he replied

...

..

.
"How does she smell?"

{fill in your own punchline}

[Old Geezer]

"Why do puffins carry fish in their beaks"

Because they don't have pockets!

[Old Geezer]

 "I recently confessed to a friend that my wife had stopped washing months ago and her nose had fallen off"

.. he replied

"Awful"

[Skippy]

Two elephants fell off a cliff.

Boom boom!

[BG]

Just before lockdown my wife and I squeezed a pint in at her local..

Sat in a corner within a rowdy pub we noticed the mother-in-law at the bar .. a cantankerous character..

Before we'd got halfway through our Babysham.. 7 big burly blokes set up on my good lady's mother

The wife nudged me in the ribs and said "Aren't you going to help?". I replied

...

..

.

"nah.. 7 should be enough"

{I'm not sure if there's a copyright on jokes.. but if there is.. I hope Les Dawson's family doesn't mind me tweaking his joke a little bit}